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Yes. There are a million and one reasons I am the way I am and do the things I do. And time and time again, I have been judged and criticized about it.   If that specific truth is not verbally bitch slapped in my face, then it will be spoken behind my back. It is not like I can take a verbal beat down of truths. Because I can take it. I have learned to wholeheartedly accept it and embrace it and to this day, paying the consequences of my mistakes on the daily. Geez. I do admit I have had my share of pathetic immature moments. It was sad,depressing, careless and utterly stupid, not to mention, idiotically high school nonsense. My behavior difficult and complicated, in other words, I can be the WORST VERSION of myself to the point where I became my own worst enemy; a daily pity party. When I needed a friend, it was for the wrong reasons. Specifically a “desperate plea for attention” I have been called a “SOCIAL BURDEN”. These were the two words that woke.up. A decision to DISCONNECT myself from people,places and things that caused me to be unhealthy-physically,emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This WAKE UP CALL was my daily reminder to FOCUS ON ME, IMPROVE MY LIFE and continue to learn and grow from my mistakes,faults and imperfections. I have been so busy improving myself, I seriously don’t care about anything but my own self-improvement, I have no time to waste energy on THE PAST . It is completely drained out of me. I am moving on. I am forgiving myself and choose to forget and LET IT GO. Do you know the darkness I have spiraled into because of job rejection? The nights of crying myself to sleep every night wondering what I said or done to have.pathetically failed myself? There are times when all I needed was a friend to simply LISTEN to me, but instead I get scolded and that my utter pathetic-ness is seen as exactly that, “PATHETIC”. I know. I know. I have no excuses or options to vent out my job searching struggles. This is how I feel on the inside….

0All I need is a HUG. Is that too much to ask for when feeling down? No questions asked. All I wanted was feel.good company, unconditional LOVE, lots of laughter and NO DRAMA kind of hang outs and yet it God who ALWAYS answers my prayers. God has never left my side whenever I needed a friend. He LISTENS to me especially at my worst but LOVES me UNCONDITIONALLY. No questions asked. No judgments. No bitter criticisms. His words of wisdom saves my life on the daily.

ANYWAYS, the reason why I have given up on blogging. I was emotionally damaged. Everything I have said and done as to express myself at the moment has been scrutinized to be taken to a serious offense. It seems like my CONSTITUTIONAL FREEDOM to express myself is under surveillance due to the pairs of eyes that would take my words to the heart. Yes. I do RESPECT your opinion and I will take constructive criticism as to learn,grow and improve as a writer. And those who know me well know I LOVE to Blog as a way to express myself whether its in a form of ART, a poem or whatever is on my mind, good or bad, sad or a bittersweet complaint to the point of a boiling anger. Believe me you, I do own a SHUT UP AND LISTEN, no holds bar totally uncensored, freedom to express myself kind of private blog.   And if not online, I write whatever I want on my personal journal, then rip out all the angry and negative stuff, stick.it in a cooking pot covered with foil, put all the ripped out pages light it up on fire and lift up all the bad and ugly negative energy clogged inside of me up the skies to Jesus and all of heaven. The results are therapeutic. I feel less stressed,allowing me to take a deep breathe and feel the freedom to LET IT GO.

 

 

 

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UNSPOKEN.

Words have been spoken, things have been done,

its too late to start over,

I am tired of being hurt,

dwelling in my tears,

this suffering silence,

of guilt and pain;

Forgive me, forgive me not,

A reminder of my past,

scolding of words,

words that bleed my sins, kills my soul,

Losing me to my worst enemy.

angry,frustrated and unresolved;

No matter what I say and do,

I cannot live up to what defines

a “PERFECT” friend,

But know I am sorry, heart and soul,

I forgive and

I will ALWAYS love you.

Words have been spoken,

things have been said,

There’s no turning back,

With or without you,

I’m movin on…I gotta go..

by ADRAMIS ©09042012

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