24 Hours without NF.

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

In honor of National NF Awareness Month, I will try to blog about my close and personal experiences living with NF. To some, My living with NF is not a big deal and most would treat me like a imperfectly normal person, as their way of accepting me and my neurofibromas. As for everyone else, all I can say is ITS THEIR PROBLEM if they cannot handle the view of the neurofibromas on my skin, usually arms,neck and face. Through the years, I had to accept it too and have learned to humble myself and keep smiling. The truth? as weird as it sounds, I actually like the random people asking,instead of assuming. What gets me through the negative and the judgmental eyes, is JESUS. Jesus went through it first, which is my strength to embrace his Masterpiece as I am.img_2307

This was actually the photo chosen by my friend the photographer, Marie, For her Art show back late October/November 2011.
ANYWAYS, I can explain to you how much I would love to live life without NF. Yes. I do have my moments,where I can cry all I want and scream at God, “WHY ME?!?” But honestly, I believe that I have grown to like the neurofibromas all over my body, that I would feel utterly and completely naked without it. Honestly, it would be so WEIRD. Even deeper truth, my insecurity levels would probably be more worse without (the neurofibromas) than with it. You know what I mean? For reals. The past 17 years of my life I go through this vicious roller coaster of emotions in my mind over and over again-(most of the time, negative emotions) of coping with people and their critical eyes against me has opened my eyes to realize I DO NOT want to be like everyone else as in the norm. I think its boring to like “everyone else” . AMEN!! PRAISE THE LORD! seriously. why blend in, when I was meant to stick out? Never in my whole life where I can wholeheartedly admit to you, I like being different. It has always made me feel special, if not to the human world, at least, in God’s eyes. Beautiful and at that,unique.img_2289

I have no idea what my family or friends see in the photo. (it has utter moment of groteque-ness) obviously. I am not afraid to reveal myself the way I did in these photos. but I do see it the way God and as the photographer SEES me . that’s what matters. And if you were to ask me, what would life be without NF for 24 hours.

The AMAZING thing is….I do on the daily. ^_-img_2301

PHOTOGRAPHY CREDIT by: Marie A. Padilla ©10/31/2011

 

 

 

The Sounds of Silence.

Tags

0

Yes. There are a million and one reasons I am the way I am and do the things I do. And time and time again, I have been judged and criticized about it.   If that specific truth is not verbally bitch slapped in my face, then it will be spoken behind my back. It is not like I can take a verbal beat down of truths. Because I can take it. I have learned to wholeheartedly accept it and embrace it and to this day, paying the consequences of my mistakes on the daily. Geez. I do admit I have had my share of pathetic immature moments. It was sad,depressing, careless and utterly stupid, not to mention, idiotically high school nonsense. My behavior difficult and complicated, in other words, I can be the WORST VERSION of myself to the point where I became my own worst enemy; a daily pity party. When I needed a friend, it was for the wrong reasons. Specifically a “desperate plea for attention” I have been called a “SOCIAL BURDEN”. These were the two words that woke.up. A decision to DISCONNECT myself from people,places and things that caused me to be unhealthy-physically,emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This WAKE UP CALL was my daily reminder to FOCUS ON ME, IMPROVE MY LIFE and continue to learn and grow from my mistakes,faults and imperfections. I have been so busy improving myself, I seriously don’t care about anything but my own self-improvement, I have no time to waste energy on THE PAST . It is completely drained out of me. I am moving on. I am forgiving myself and choose to forget and LET IT GO. Do you know the darkness I have spiraled into because of job rejection? The nights of crying myself to sleep every night wondering what I said or done to have.pathetically failed myself? There are times when all I needed was a friend to simply LISTEN to me, but instead I get scolded and that my utter pathetic-ness is seen as exactly that, “PATHETIC”. I know. I know. I have no excuses or options to vent out my job searching struggles. This is how I feel on the inside….

0All I need is a HUG. Is that too much to ask for when feeling down? No questions asked. All I wanted was feel.good company, unconditional LOVE, lots of laughter and NO DRAMA kind of hang outs and yet it God who ALWAYS answers my prayers. God has never left my side whenever I needed a friend. He LISTENS to me especially at my worst but LOVES me UNCONDITIONALLY. No questions asked. No judgments. No bitter criticisms. His words of wisdom saves my life on the daily.

ANYWAYS, the reason why I have given up on blogging. I was emotionally damaged. Everything I have said and done as to express myself at the moment has been scrutinized to be taken to a serious offense. It seems like my CONSTITUTIONAL FREEDOM to express myself is under surveillance due to the pairs of eyes that would take my words to the heart. Yes. I do RESPECT your opinion and I will take constructive criticism as to learn,grow and improve as a writer. And those who know me well know I LOVE to Blog as a way to express myself whether its in a form of ART, a poem or whatever is on my mind, good or bad, sad or a bittersweet complaint to the point of a boiling anger. Believe me you, I do own a SHUT UP AND LISTEN, no holds bar totally uncensored, freedom to express myself kind of private blog.   And if not online, I write whatever I want on my personal journal, then rip out all the angry and negative stuff, stick.it in a cooking pot covered with foil, put all the ripped out pages light it up on fire and lift up all the bad and ugly negative energy clogged inside of me up the skies to Jesus and all of heaven. The results are therapeutic. I feel less stressed,allowing me to take a deep breathe and feel the freedom to LET IT GO.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

UNSPOKEN.

Words have been spoken, things have been done,

its too late to start over,

I am tired of being hurt,

dwelling in my tears,

this suffering silence,

of guilt and pain;

Forgive me, forgive me not,

A reminder of my past,

scolding of words,

words that bleed my sins, kills my soul,

Losing me to my worst enemy.

angry,frustrated and unresolved;

No matter what I say and do,

I cannot live up to what defines

a “PERFECT” friend,

But know I am sorry, heart and soul,

I forgive and

I will ALWAYS love you.

Words have been spoken,

things have been said,

There’s no turning back,

With or without you,

I’m movin on…I gotta go..

by ADRAMIS ©09042012

Stripped of Myself {excerpts from September 2012}

Tags

, , , , ,

So, I’ve been writing letters to loved ones as if it were my last day on earth and in a form of journal entries as therapy to express my unhappy emotions. These letters have become so personalized, honest and oh my goodness! WOW of emotional. Like teary eyed emotional. It became the inspiration to writing poetry again.

How to do I tell you, “I LIKE YOU”

nothing but silly hopeless flow of thoughts,

meaningless words,

words composed in a poem, written

straight from the bottom of my heart;

How do I tell you, “I LIKE YOU”

these words as FRAGILE as glass,

from the mysterious,

girl I am known to be,

only “SUPER MAN” can see,

through my invisibility;

a force field between you and me,

How do I tell you,” I LIKE YOU” ?…

its a honest mistake,

a truth I can no longer FAKE,

kept from the inside,

my feelings too complicated to hide;

I am afraid of what you’d say,

will you stay or walk away?

THREE SIMPLE WORDS,

so difficult to confess,

Like a bitter sweet pill that takes time for you

to process;

I don’t know what else to say,

maybe its easier for me to just

…….walk away.

by adramis ©09012012

**SUPER MAN © has XRay vision, right? that’s why he can SEE THROUGH my invisibility.

**this poem was influenced by my fave. artists- Whitney Houston, Janet Jackson, Alicia Keys, Taylor Swift? and of course, the woman who has no fear to express her feelings, “ADELE”. Also, bits of inspirations by Green day, NKOTB, BSB, A*teens cover of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley.

YEAH. YEAH. I know. one word: LAME!! haha! LOL. only I would critique myself as BLAH! get a life! same ‘ol story BORING!! but truthfully, this is my most heartfelt deeper than honest to God piece I’ve ever written. And its been long while, specifically since 2009 around this time in September.

anyways, that’s all for now! till next time! PEACE!